Lessons in Love

“Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.” – Robert Frost

I was thinking about the essence of love. If I expected that being loved is the salve that heals all wounds, my life has been disappointing. I know what it is to love, and I know what it is to not be loved. Here is what I have learned:

LOVE

Love is the grandest experience God gave humankind. It is a drug so powerful that it can drive us to ecstasy or total despair. Love can make your brain forget to breathe.  Poets and musicians have tried to capture that feeling in words and verse since we first learned to communicate.  Zelda Fitzgerald  said “Nobody has ever measured, not even poets, how much the heart can hold.” There is a reason we fall in love; it is a sense of weightlessness, a sense of being out of control.  The most confident man can feel inadequate; the most accomplished woman feels insecure. 

You, or I, can’t make someone love us; they must choose to love us. We can make that easy, or we can make that hard; that is our choice. If we genuinely love them, their happiness comes before ours; we would sacrifice ours so that they might have theirs. That’s the paradox of true love; to truly love is to let go. I know that from experience. I’ve had to make that choice.

John 15:13, “Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends.”

CAMELIA TOLSON

Accepting that we can only control ourselves and not others present us with another choice: taking the risk to love again. As we mature, we go through many cycles of love and loss. Some of those cycles teach us tough lessons about choices; others teach us lessons about life. Each of those lessons leaves a scar on our hearts. I have a special scar; Camelia (Isky) Tolsen. The Isky nickname comes from Iskenderian Camshafts – Camshaft – Cam. Guy thing. She had a twin sister, Pam, who shared a made-up language that they talked to each other when the comments were private. It was fun to watch them do it, even when it was about me. Her parents had the audacity to pack up and moved to Texas around 1966. I remember the year because it was the year of my first heartbreak. It has been over a half-century, and my heart still remembers. Love leaves that type of indentation. It is one of those scratches you can’t buff out; it’s crazy the sadness that my heart can conjure up just thinking about it.

Trust me, that wasn’t the worst; it was just the first. The nasty ones came later in life when I should have known better. I spent most of my life thinking that love was a transaction; you give, you get. It was a commodity you traded on the open market. As I matured, it started to look more like an investment with an expected return. My heart became scared and disfigured, each blemish with its own story.

Proverbs 10:12, “Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all offenses.”

THE LESSON

Leo Buscaglia stated it this way “Love is always bestowed as a gift – freely, willingly and without expectation. We don’t love to be loved; we love to love. “

Here’s what I know today; the way I have lived my life has left scars on God’s heart. All the times I have been unfaithful, chasing other idols, thinking there was someone or something better, left scars.  I now understand that I have caused God great pain. But I still receive unconditional love in return. God does not live in the past; that is forgiven, He looks to the future. He loved me even when I didn’t want to love Him. He loves me because He understands why I shy away at times. My goal is to love as God loves; that’s a tall order.

When we live our lives trying to avoid pain by not fully committing to love, we rob God of one of His most precious gifts, not to mention what we do to ourselves. We have a choice to look at our scars and remember the pain we went through to get them, or we can remember the relationships that made them possible; they‘re the ribbons and medals of past skirmishes that show we have lived a life worth living.

1 John 4:8, “Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love.”

Choose to love; choose not to look for or expect a return. Revel in the euphoria of love.  Choose not to avoid the joy of loving to avoid the pain of loss. Accept that the greater the passion, the greater the pain. When your heart retches in despair over a lost love, it remembers the great joy that proceeded that pain. Don’t look at it as a transaction or a commodity, but a gift you give yourself.

Erich Fromm said it this way, “Immature love says: ‘I love you because I need you.’ Mature love says ‘I need you because I love you.

1 Peter 4:8, “Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins.”

God leaps with joy when we connect the dots. He beams with pride to know we figured out that love is not about getting but giving. And in that giving, we get a gift far beyond our expectations; we get a glimpse of heaven.