I just woke from a dream in which I was talking with Bobby Wright. It is the middle of the night. What made me think of Bobby? I haven’t seen or talked to him in over 50 years. It quickly brought to mind Jack Raikes, Steve Collins, Joe Halterman, and Dennis, I’m sorry I don’t remember your last name, but your image is evident in my mind. All of you have woken me, and I can’t get back to sleep.
Why in the middle of the night am I sleepless for having known all of you? My memory was from a half-century ago when we were all filled with youthful potential. Some like Jack exceeded what I thought they would do, and I never knew that Jack. Others, like Steve, died way too early following a path much too dark. I wanted to talk with that Steve to see if he left this earth with the same kindness is his heart as when I knew him. My lasting memory of Joe was a fight in the school library. He grew up to receive a Grammy in Nashville as a drummer. He had children and grandchildren and just passed away. He doesn’t care, but I was proud of him anyway. Dennis, I have no idea what happened to Dennis. It makes me sad not to know.
Some people are not troubled by growing old. Are they content because they lived a full life and feel complete? Or are they glad it will soon be over because the time was so hard? I don’t fall in either camp. Although I am a Christian and know my fate, I am still troubled.
I have done more in my life then I could have ever imagined, I have traveled the world; I have run big organizations and started small companies. I have rubbed elbows with the greats. Not the greats that you would bring to mind, but the truly great. Men and women with a passion for a cause much greater than I could imagine. People who changed the world I live in, some with inventions, some with ideas. I have volunteered in Prisons and third world nations. I have grown from an angry adolescent to a man chasing God.
Philippians 3: 8, “What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage that I may gain Christ “
This, I believe, is my discontent. I have robbed God. I have robbed Him of years on my life. I have deprived Him of my worship, my attention, and my dedication to the plan He had for me. I wish I could say I was ignorant of God most of my life and didn’t know better. But that would be a lie. I knew Him since I was a child. I knew Him and didn’t care. My life was not a series of unintentional sins and mistakes; it was willful indifference. And when I grew tired of being me, He picked me up and welcomed me back into the family.
Ephesians 2: 1-3, “As for you, you were dead in your transgressions and sins, in which you used to live when you followed the ways of this world and of the ruler of the kingdom of the air, the spirit who is now at work in those who are disobedient. All of us also lived among them at one time, gratifying the cravings of our flesh and following its desires and thoughts. Like the rest, we were by nature deserving of wrath.”
I cannot pass on. For when I do, I will no longer serve Christ on earth. To cross over too soon would be to deprive the person I could have been. My old self is dead and gone, but the memory of him still pushes me forward.
Ephesians 2: 8-10, “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.”
It is not about earning God’s love or salvation. It is about being the person He knew I could be. It is about completing the task He has set before me, He has blessed me with health and resources, so I know He is not done with me. I must run the race marked out for me, fixing my eyes on Jesus.
Hebrews 12:1-2, “Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.”