When faced with a difficult situation, do you ask why it happens or what do I do next? Why something happened is grounded in the past. It is passive in that you can not change the past. It is blame-oriented. What you want me to do next is grounded in the future. It is active in that it requires me to do something to change the future; it is forgiveness-oriented.
“You may be wondering why such difficulty has come into your life. However, the greater question is, “Lord, how do You plan to use this difficulty so I may serve You better?” ― Charles F. Stanley, How to Let God Solve Your Problems: 12 Keys for Finding Clear Guidance in Life’s Trials.
Proverbs 26:24 “Enemies disguise themselves with their lips, but in their hearts they harbor deceit.”
Why It Happens?
What to choose, why it happens, or what do I do next? Most people I know gravitate to why something is happening in their life. They want to know who said what, who did what, and who is responsible. Somehow, understanding who is at fault makes it more understandable. Unfortunately, that is not usually true; debating the past shrouds the present. The he said, she said, they said interrogation only leads to hurt feelings and a defensive posture. People do not remember exact words or actions. Personal bias taints repeated conversations; we remember what we want to hear. The discussion is personal.
Matthew 7:3-5, “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.”
If we ignore the mistakes from the past, we will likely repeat them. However, learning from the past is all about making a better future. It’s about figuring out what we want and how to get there. What happened in the past doesn’t matter as much as what we should do in the future. To understand and solve a problem, we first must admit there’s a problem. Instead of blaming, it’s more important to focus on finding a good solution to prevent the same problem from happening again.
Proverbs 18:17, “Any story sounds true until someone tells the other side and sets the record straight.”
What Do I Do Next?
Let me give you an example of why it happens or what do I do next collide. I was at a board meeting where one party thought we had overspent the budget; another party understood we had a surplus. Rather than accepting the problem that we had two different perceptions, the discussion went toward who did what wrong. This conversation went on for over a week via text and email. At no point did the discussion turn to what do we do in the future to avoid this happening again. Can we create one set of financials that is acceptable to everyone? It was more important to understand who was right and who was wrong. Egos became bruised, reputations were tainted, and relationships got strained.
Christ wasn’t that way. He didn’t quiz people on the situation that gave way to sin. He accepted that sin had happened; the question was what to do next. You didn’t read that Jesus reconciled relationships by allocating blame. His focus was on the desired state and how to achieve it. He told people what they had to do for salvation. Christ has forgiven the past.
What About People Problems?
What if the problem is that two people don’t like each other? Listening to them complain will not help get to the root cause of the problem. Asking each one what they would ultimately like to see to resolve the problem would be a better approach. Getting to the root cause is far more productive than listening to two people gossip and slander each other. Getting to the root cause requires getting the parties to get off their emotions and on to a more objective conversation.
This sometimes creates a paradox concerning why it happens or what do I do next.
Regarding personalities, it sometimes means that the solution is to help one of them find another path. Toxic personalities that do not seek positive change are unsuitable for any relationship. But they still deserve grace. You must use compassion and love when you pursue a solution.
Romans 12:14-21, “Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. If possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord. On the contrary: ‘If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink’… Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.”
Desired State
“All adversity, every problem you face, is a gift of love given to you from the hand of God.” ― Charles F. Stanley, How to Let God Solve Your Problems: 12 Keys for Finding Clear Guidance in Life’s Trials.
Ultimately, good problem-solving relies on God’s guidance. It is trusting that God knows everything, cares about everything, and is not surprised by anything. You can not change the past; the future is malleable; it has many possibilities. God desires that we not live in the past but look forward to the future.
People all have baggage, flaws, and biases. Much of what people say at the moment is a product of something in the past. Previous conversations or events bleed over to current situations. Even our childhood experience raises their ugly head from time to time. We can not rely on what is said to determine what is wrong accurately. The root of the problem may not have anything to do with the situation. God would want us to set aside our need to be heard to focus on His need for us to show compassion and grace. When faced with conflict or disappointment, ask yourself, “Lord, what do you want me to do next?”