My thoughts today began with deciding whether I was the man in the mirror or the man behind it. We have all seen the detective TV shows where the suspect is in the interrogation room, and there is always a mirror on one wall. Both the suspect and the investigator know this is a two-way mirror. The suspects can only see themselves, but on the other side is a mysterious someone watching them. The man in front of the mirror is introspective, the man behind the mirror is judgmental. As I think about the arduous task of loving the unlovable, I realize I must stop being the man behind the mirror and become the man in front of it. I must stop thinking I am the mysterious stranger judging others when I am the suspect seeing myself.
Matthew 7:12, "So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets."
I can only manage myself. It is God who manages others. It is He who changes hearts and mends broken souls. To many of the people I interact with, I am the arduous task they must perform. So, the beginning is to understand how I would like others to interact with me and then turn that around to understand how I should interact with them.
Being Me
When I am being me, I often stray. Sometimes, I am too preoccupied with my problem to focus on yours; I have an appointment or a call to make. Other times, rather than listening, I want to talk: OK, I understand the problem; here is the answer; let us move on. What may seem earth-shattering to you comes across as trivial to me because I will not experience the aftermath. I become frustrated because you keep talking when I am interrupting. The man in front of the mirror sees a man on a mission; he is focused. The mysterious person behind the mirror sees someone uncaring and self-centered.
2 Timothy 2:24, "And the Lord's servant must not be quarrelsome but kind to everyone, able to teach, patiently enduring evil."
There is a term non sequitur; it refers to a statement or inference that is not logically related to the previous context. When people think about themselves and disengage from the conversation, their responses can be non-sequitur. They seem out of the blue, as if the person you are talking with is having a separate conversation. That, my friends, is the first warning sign of the unlovable. That, at times, is me.
Acceptance
None knows the weight of another’s burden. – George Herbert
Dragging me back to reality is not an easy task. After all, if I’m not engaged with your current problems and have become one of them, how do you reengage me? It is not through criticism or judgment. That will only make me defensive. The entire conversation will spiral out of control, and no one will walk away happy. The answer is acceptance.
Matthew 5:9, "Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God."
I have found that when most people get upset, it has less to do with the current environment than previous actions that have finally come to a head. What preoccupies their thoughts is not the person in front of them but something else. Accepting that we are not the center of someone else’s universe is critical to understanding them. Everyone is juggling multiple situations and opportunities. I want people to understand that about me. I want you to know that I care about you but am conflicted by the world around me. It is not that I don’t care; it is, at the moment, not convenient to care. That is selfish and self-centered, but it happens.
Acknowledge, with compassion and love, that I am distracted. Could you help me prioritize my thinking? I may think my problem is more significant or timelier than yours. It may only seem that way because it is mine. When you care about me, I start caring about you.
Colossians 3:12, "Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience."
The Ethics of Reciprocity
Luke 6:31, "Do to others as you would have them do to you."
We started talking about about the man in front of or behind the mirror. Now I must switch places. If I want you to accept me for who I am and integrate that person into the conversation, I must do the same for you. I must set aside my agenda for a minute and allow you to express yourself. I must accept that this conversation has more to do with the past than the present. You will start caring about me only after I have shown that I care about you.
Galatians 6:2, "Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ."
It is sometimes called an ethics of reciprocity. But I prefer to say it is the natural behavior of someone who lives with God at the center of their life. I must understand that I am in that interrogation room with a stranger behind the mirror every moment of every day. I am either drawing them closer to Christ or pushing them away. People I will never engage with will see my behavior and decide. But am I acting in the way I do to avoid condemnation, or is it because God’s love for me has changed my love for humankind? Is it reciprocity, or is it the natural state of my being? It is a daily struggle for most people because it is reciprocity: am I getting value for my effort? To indeed have a Godly heart is a manifestation of who you are.
Philippians 2:1-3, "Therefore if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind."